(Me at the very beginning : ) 5 weeks) *Haven't been near a camera since!
At our last prenatal visit, it finally started seeming more real (as if the constant dry heaving and exhaustion didn't make it real enough : ) ). Seeing the little arms and little legs of our little one, and his or her little brain (yes we could see the outline of the baby's brain) was awe inspiring to say the least. In the midst of trying to simply survive my days at school and spiraling into painful nausea ridden nights by night-there is little time to think about anything but getting through the next hour or five minutes for that matter. So, it was nice to take a few minutes and enjoy the wonder of the human being grown inside of me!
As awe inspiring as that was, and as much as I will never forget the intense blessed feeling I did when I first found out we were pregnant, I know that nothing can prepare me for the life changing moment when our baby is in our arms. As I look forward to that moment so many thoughts still manage to swirl through my head. I'm a planner and probably sometimes to a fault. I think of so many hypothetical scenarios and wonder what my response will be-and I don't mean when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night crying-I mean when they are thirteen and want nothing to do with me. How will we handle dating? How will we train them to be good communicators? What books will they read? (yes …I think about this)
I think of so many funny memories (funny in hindsight) of my own childhood and how my parents dealt with me-I laugh because I think "Yeah, I'll probably respond in the same way." I'm constantly praying for a baby with Shane's temperament, but secretly always girding up my loins for a little "me."
As usual it is all just a facade of control-and that is where I am truly struck by this relationship of Parent and Child. Ultimately I have very little control. Especially over the things I would like to control the most! Like where their little heart lays its affections and allegiance. It is truly a scary world out there, but I haven't despaired quite yet.
A child is like any gift that God gives us really. Something we aren't to hold with a tightly clenched fist-but one to hold with open hands raised up-realizing that even though they will always be my child-they are first and foremost the Lord's and he may call them out from my protection at any time-and that they weren't brought into this world to be my little "mini me" or experiment-but that they are first and foremost HIS. I'm sure that the smaller they are it will be easier to keep up the facade of control-but reality hits eventually-and I figure the more comfortable I get early on with the right notion the better.
He knows their innermost being-not me. I will love this child with all I have, but it will never be the end all, and it will never be enough. This parent undertaking will require a lot of white flags to be flown at the foot of the cross-and I've got enough to keep me busy for a while.
P.S. For everyone who told me I wouldn't show until my 5th month-I've got a baby bump at 11 1/2 weeks. A woman at work already noticed it the other day-I swear it came out of nowhere-and is definitely something to get used to!
P.P.S.
The GAC Spartans are now 3-1 (The lost in overtime to their strongest opponent to date-a battle well fought)
P.P.P.S.
Below is a pizza I made at home-I had been craving Zpizza for weeks! But Shane is afraid to take me there because he doesn't want the pregnancy and my nausea or vomiting to ruin that place for us forever : )
This was such a great success-Hodgsen Mill Box mix for the crust- Classico Traditional Pizza sauce in a jar-and some good ole mozzarella. Oh, and don't forget my beloved black olives!!
Best Homemade Gluten Free Pizza I have had to date! And that is not the pregnancy talking....I think.
-M.W.
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